Tag Archives: Inner self

Dealing with Darkness, continues.

And, the saga continues…

I do hope it stays that way.

So… It’s evident I’ve been a little bit lost for sure in this endeavor of sharing my experiences and images from that span in time, mostly from November 2016 to March 2017 (if new to this blog, please take a read of Dealing with Darkness, a year later, two years in fact… ). Just as in the first weeks of 2017, this initial part of 2019 has been complicated, not in the same way as 2017 however -even though I haven’t been feeling so good lately- This previous weeks have been swarming with a lot of ideas, tasks of my soon to be released projects, and several decisions to be made.

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To keep telling the story about my struggles with depression and anxiety is one of the most important things in my life, truly!, the thing is that, after the great success of the previous chapter I found myself these weeks in between in kind of a shock and to be honest, I have not been sure about the best way to keep delivering the same level of quality, and also to be honest all the great support I’ve got through the very, very kind words I received in the comments section of the post and other places, while it’s been a great source of light to keep going, it has been also emotionally exhausting (keep that coming though!).

Putting into words my experiences, the things I went through is not easy, it also wasn’t easy the first time I tried to recall the details of things as they really happened and giving them the right order in time so I can explain myself better on how it all happened. I’ve taken a lot for this… well, I think the best way to get it done is by getting to work!

The previous chapter ends with 2016. With the advent of the new year I found myself (still far from recovering) with the will of transcending my mental health issues, to really fight back the demons, to connect deep within with my own light to strike the darkness I was in, to keep the strength to stay alive. The following months however, were not easy as you are about to see.

January.

The first days.

In the start of the year while at the same time I found myself looking hard for my inner strength I was still feeling in me the consequences -physical and psychological- of the darker previous months. I try hard to recognize myself, to plant the seed of a new being.

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The feel of a surrounding deep darkness still holds strong over me very often, the sensations of despair and of being locked inside by life itself is very much present, I wish I could be set free.

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January.

A regime of strenuous physical activity does not keep me from sensing that I’m immersed into a great void, anxiety is still overwhelming at times.

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January, towards the end.

I’m still yearning to find the light of life, some of the images I make are of myself surrounded by lights trying to fight the feel of being tired of living, sometimes I’d just like to say goodbye…

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I’ve used my bicycle for my outings here in the neighborhood for my exercise routines. While recovering from a fall several days ago, watching at the results I cannot help to think that damage to the skin and bones are just piece of cake next to the wounds that pierce the mind and the soul…

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I find myself really frustrated by the fact that being in such a bad need of exercise, having to stay in bed asleep til very late into the day gets in the way far too often, I feel stuck without any progress…

Still, the basic instinct of life makes me keep on fighting.

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February.

Highs and lows.

However I’m eating a lot better than the previous December and November, after several weeks I find my weight has not yet recovered enough, being 1.76m. tall my normal weight sits at around 70 kgs. I know I need to eat a lot better yet, I try, not easy though, my stomach does not agree completely.

Luckily something happens then, a very good friend (one of the very few friends left by now) invites me to go to the beach in there and her mom’s company, it was just for the weekend but the change of environment, exchanging the four walls of my room for the road views along the highway and later the tropical open air, the good company, some hours inside the swimming pool and the Sea are nothing short of nourishing. The most delightful moments are the two mornings I am so lucky to be able to run over the sand at the nearby beach. Finally, being there step by step, hearing my breath along the sound of the waves I feel life inside me again.

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Back at home the nourishing effects of the Sea vanish away soon, but not completely…

 

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A delayed post, struggling with blogging, and a LOOOT of thankfulness!

Writing here about my struggles and ups and downs can be therapeutic, well, in fact it is, but can also be a little difficult sometimes.

To be able to be the most honest and truthful with my words there is the need for a special state of mind and a deep connection with myself.

When I published my last post sharing my endeavor through my latest deep struggles with depression and anxiety through images and words I believed the second part would come soon after that, well, the months in between have proved me wrong. Winter had its toll on my mind (and body) and when I got to feel somewhat better at the middle of February there were a lot of things to do with some home improvements here at my parents house, where I have to live. Along with that some frequent visits of my nephews and the development of some projects to recover my professional life (urgent stuff by the way) were not the best environment to develop that very much needed connection, that silence where I could manage to dig into those dark days and my feelings back then and relate them to the photography that emanated from that.

I’m glad to say that I’ve put myself to the task and that Part 2 is finally finished.

Why do I feel not so comfortable for such a delay?, well, during most of the previous life of this blog my posts reached 20 likes at the highest, and more important, one or two comments here and there. The last one however has got looots of comments, and what I value the most, the support I read in them!

I have to say it!: there are not enough words to express how grateful I am for all the kind words I’ve received, they have been a great, really great dose of light for me in the past few months (and now, when I’m going through hard times again) and the strength to keep going!

And you know, there are even some comments that I still have to answer, they have been really a lot!, and I truly apologize for not answering to them already.

Well, Part 2 is as I said ready to be published and I will do it in the next few hours, if you are on vacation perhaps you would like to pay it a visit.

All I have to say to all of you is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

Peace for the soul.

Hot or cold, in wet and windy weather, being in the presence of the true divinity: Nature.

Scenes like this I always find so, so enjoyable, immersing myself into the deepest connection with life, some solace time to hear the true voices of my inner self.

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Ojo de Piedra, the real story, la historia real.

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Bien dicen que de lo mas difícil en la vida es poderse definir a uno mismo, conocerse a fondo, ¿o me equivoco?

Entre los que nos dedicamos al arte en cualquiera de sus disciplinas se estila el usar seudónimos o nombres que reflejen como queremos presentarnos al mundo o mejor aún, lo que guía y motiva nuestro trabajo y parte de nuestra personalidad, manera de ser y filosofía acerca de la vida.

El nombre “Ojo de Piedra”, título de este blog, ademas de ser mi alias en Instagram, Twitter y otras de mis identidades en la web, es el resultado de buscar definir mi identidad corporativa como fotógrafo. En el proceso, buscando dar mas sustancia a esa identidad, surgió en mí la necesidad de proyectar mas de mi esencia personal, de mis experiencias de vida y cómo se reflejaba eso en mi actuar, en mis paradigmas y en mi trabajo. Aún sin ser un experto, siempre me he fascinado con mi cultura mexicana, sobretodo con la mitología prehispánica Azteca y Maya.

Lo que me llevó en esta dirección implica el que a lo largo de mi vida la introspección me ha acompañado en mayor o menor grado, un compromiso hecho conmigo mismo de mejorar mi ser al pasar del tiempo, mi carácter muy contradictorio durante una época, y mi afición por estar en la Naturaleza y meterme a las cuevas, entre otras cosas; así que conociendo un poco sobre el mito de Quetzalcóatl y Tezcatlipoca, deidades de la cosmogonía Náhuatl, Azteca principalmente , encontré en las descripciones que se hacen sobre este último varios elementos con los que me he identificado.

A Tezcatlipoca se le identificó con la oscuridad y la noche, en donde se agudizan los sentidos y se maximiza la intuición; con las fuerzas naturales y primigenias, con los contrastes y los dualismos. Se le consideraba un ser invisible y omnipresente, le nombraban el Corazón del monte, Señor de las cuevas, donde uno puede adentrarse en la esencia de la Naturaleza y llegar a la humildad y la honestidad a través del dominio del ego. A Tezcatlipoca se le conoció también personalizado en el Jaguar, el señor del bosque oscuro, lleno de sabiduría ancestral, y como el Guerrero del Espejo de Obsidiana, ahí en el reflejo disperso donde tiene que observarse a uno mismo hasta llegar al fondo del alma.

Mi manera de conectar con el mundo es a través de la lente de mi cámara, estando de preferencia en el bosque, en las cuevas, en la montaña, donde puedo conectarme conmigo, buscando reinventarme a través de una constante evolución. Para mí el Ojo de Piedra es al mismo tiempo espejo y lente de obsidiana por los que viajan luz y oscuridad, catalizadores de la alquimia entre las caras de mi dualidad, con lo que me tengo que confrontar dentro de mi ser; mi visión de la vida y lo que busco captar y expresar a través de la lente cuando llevo al máximo mi quehacer fotográfico; es también la pupila del ojo del jaguar, la negra entrada de la cueva, el reflejo y la trasparencia del agua en los ríos y cuerpos de agua subterráneos o superficiales, los profundos espacios bajo el follaje del bosque y la selva…

La imagen con que acompaño este texto, realizada me parece que en 2008 o 2009 es la primera encarnación ya pulida de mi representación del Ojo de Piedra, un acercamiento al ojo de un jaguar, estilizado y sintetizado con el frente de una lente fotográfica, un símbolo que en mi mente le daba coherencia a las diferentes facetas de mi persona y mi trabajo. Desde entonces estuve usándolo como logotipo en mis fotos y  sufrió un par de transformaciones, hasta que llegué al punto de solo usar el seudónimo o mi nombre real. Ahora, en pleno proceso de transformación, la imagen tomará forma desde adentro, aunque no sé si alguna vez la comparta.

 Note: If you would rather read this post in English or your own language please visit the web version on http://www.ojodepiedra.wordpress.com and click on the language drop down selector on the left column, thanks!!

The End of the year, The End for this blog.

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There’s an unavoidable moment when everything comes to its dusk, completing a cycle just as the Sun follows his path across the sky everyday until it hides far beyond the west. Different times require transformations in Life. So that’s right, with this post this blog reaches its end, at least, the way it has been from its start. In fact, the previous post is the last one in which the main topic is my photography work.

The original name, Ojo de Piedra, “Eye of Stone” was inspired based in my philosophy of life, but also and most importantly, in the way I interact with the world, almost always looking for the light, the textures, the places, the people or the moments I can translate with a camera and a lens in something that is part of my understanding, that has my signature, my vision, or my sense of aesthetics. That said, the main topic of this blog has always been my photography, the places I capture when I travel, documenting my adventures or my ideas, a little talk about photo gear and technique, and the like. In that tune the “eye” fitted really nicely, you know, the act of looking, the camera lens, etc., the full phrase has a lot more meaning behind the three words to it, something much more intimate that is inspired by a fragment of a story from the Aztec philosophy that resonates a lot with my way of thinking about myself.

In the recent months my life has been going through very hard times and that has made me take the tough decision of leading this blog away from what it was and take it into another direction. Thus, from now on my photography will still play a very important role here, but more as a means of expressing the tribulations of my mind, the process of understanding the path my life has followed, my thoughts and feelings as I embark on a journey through my inner self, a personal battle and a struggle that may lead myself through some not so nice places.

For sure there will be more photography oriented content for which I will start a new blog, which means to me the start of a new challenge and a new adventure, one that I’m really looking forward to share with you, so for sure you will be the first to know!!

Whirlwind

Sometimes I have the feel of being wrapped around a whirlwind of thoughts, of emotions, I’m stretched around the whirlwind, my body vanishing outwards, the centre of the whirlwind is the black entrance of the abyss that goes into the deep to somewhere who knows where.

A veces tengo la sensación de estar envuelto alrededor de un remolino de pensamientos, de emociones, soy extendido alrededor del remolino. mi cuerpo desvaneciéndose hacia el exterior, el centro del remolino es la negra entrada del abismo hacia lo profundo de algún lugar que quien sabe donde.

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